What to do about disillusionment.

I come from a very privileged position. My school is excellent, my grades are pretty good (in Y12), I am studying physics, economics and maths which I generally enjoy and I know offer good university and career opportunities later down the line.

I spent a while thinking about my interests and narrowed down my course choices to 2 options, either physics or international relations. I am confident I could get into a good university and do well in an international relations course however the pay and career opportunities I have looked at for the subject are not too promising. On the other hand I could do physics but the entry requirements for the courses at the best universities may be higher. This may mean I have to go to a less prestigious university, and I have absolutely no idea how much the prestige of a university affects employment and research opportunities.

Physics does come with the advantage of offering higher pay and career opportunities, at least on the surface, however I am not interested in a finance job and would probably go into research physics, which brings up the issue of income again. I know that my current income, or at least the goods and services I use would not match up with this future income. I have no idea if this would matter or not. There is nothing I want for and I have no desire to save or spend, and when I do it is usually small amounts irregularly. There is nothing I desire beyond what I currently have, at least from my perspective, for I have never experienced everything else, but I also do not know if I could live with less.

In my current situation, I have a small set of good friends who I do not speak to much due to the separation of study rooms in my school, but when I do I get on well with them. I have a very narrow set of interests due to a mental condition and this means I enjoy studying and researching on my own quite a lot, so I do not mind this sparse contact.

As mentioned previously, the study rooms have changed who I interact with or at least observe regularly. This means I have seen different people's perspectives on their futures and such a lot more. They seem to be decisive, either positive or negative most of the time, and they talk about things they want and aspire for all the time. Mostly it is phrased around competition. Who got better marks, who has better looks, who could win in a fight and frivolous things like who's aftershave is more expensive which is stupid but anyway.

My point is that I am completely and utterly disillusioned with this. I do not want competition. I do not want to compete for a job in a job interview, and make up some CV about how diligent and responsible I am. I do not want to earn a better salary, or have a bigger house than I currently have. Right now the work is easy, I have a good but small set of friends, I can research absolutely anything I want and put it in an EPQ and I have excellent teachers who have a wealth of knowledge and patience for my questions.

People talk about doing well in your A-levels, so you can get into a good university, so you can get a good job, so you can have a good career, so you can achieve your long term goals and aspirations. Well I have no long term aspirations. As far as I see it I am only going to decrease in my enjoyment of life as I move down these series of steps until death. I do not want to have no end game, no goal, no picture of what I should aim towards after the end of the monotonous chain of steps, but every philisophical solution I explore always ends in either such a wide conclusion that I feel personally disconnected from it or abject nihilism.

In conclusion, I do not see any future that is better than the one I currently posses, and this makes me feel like I am just waiting for death. I am not sure if there is any solution for my problem but I would like one if you have any insight or advice you could provide.

Apologies for the length of this text but I felt it was necessary to illustrate my point.

Many Thanks.

Reply 1

gjd800

20

Don't you have anything at all that you love? It doesn't need to be academic (in fact, maybe better it isn't!).

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by gjd800

Don't you have anything at all that you love? It doesn't need to be academic (in fact, maybe better it isn't!).

There are things I love and enjoy outside of academics but I do not see any goal for the future that would improve my enjoyment of these things. I don’t mean to sound shallow and nihilistic, I am just asking for advice in terms of finding goals really.

Reply 3

gjd800

20

Original post by undefined

There are things I love and enjoy outside of academics but I do not see any goal for the future that would improve my enjoyment of these things. I don’t mean to sound shallow and nihilistic, I am just asking for advice in terms of finding goals really.

I don't think that this is so unusual, you know - I don't have one overarching life goal. I have stuff I like doing, and I have certain small aims that I work towards, and broadly speaking I enjoy the time I spend on this planet. For me, it's really about doing stuff you love and doing it as often as possible. I don't think there needs to be any unitary purpose outside of that, but perhaps I'm not quite grasping your meaning in the way that you intend.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by gjd800

I don't think that this is so unusual, you know - I don't have one overarching life goal. I have stuff I like doing, and I have certain small aims that I work towards, and broadly speaking I enjoy the time I spend on this planet. For me, it's really about doing stuff you love and doing it as often as possible. I don't think there needs to be any unitary purpose outside of that, but perhaps I'm not quite grasping your meaning in the way that you intend.