ok ik theres so many questions about this topic but i just dont know what to do
so im not muslim , but im 15 so i cant tell my parents that cuz i would literally die and i have gcses coming up so i dont want that stress. plus no one in my family isnt muslim, if they are they have probably been kicked out and i have no idea of their existence.
i wore my hijab as i was going school but took it off midway, and my mum takes daily walks, so she saw me. i kind of knew she saw me and i was glad because it meant that i wouldnt be the one who would have to bring up the topic of taking off my hijab.
as of rn, my whole school, my second oldest brother and my mum only know about this. my cousin might, cause she goes to the school, but shes way worse than me (she vapes, has had many boyfriends etc) so i doubt she would tell anyone.
my mum and my second brother knowing about this isnt that worrying, cause theyre very gentle with me. however they are (especially my mum) threatening to tell my dad and my eldest brother. this is what i am afraid of.
my dad can get physical, but the worst part is that its not with me. he will blame it on my mum and even my brothers. so its like im going to have to watch them suffer from my problems. i dont want to upset him because i love him and he loves me, when i am ill he will tell me everything is fine and reassure me i will be okay. i fainted in public one time and he carried me and was very worried. almost everyday he walks all the way to the market just to buy my favourite fruits. he is a very good man he just has mental issues that scares me.
i dont actually know what my eldest brother would do. he is quite laid back in the sense that he has done things my family is not proud of (listening to innapropriate music and get a criminal offence for speeding, also vaped before but i dont think my parents know) and he was even telling me how i dont have to wear the hijab because in the quran it says that we have to follow the people of the country to not draw much attention, but hijab draws attention so i shouldnt have to wear it. he also said that he wouldnt be able to say that to our family bc all of my uncles on my dads side are crazy people.
my mum loves me and i know she is only doing this to protect me. if my 15 year old daughter asked to wear a bikini to school or something i would probably slap her into next week and ik taking of hijab and wearing bikini isnt the same thing but in their eyes it is. i will never be able to convince them, i am the only one who has problems with hijab and theres only like 4 girls in my family who dont wear hijab and theyre on my mums side so i dont even see them often.
solution obviously is to wear hijab. but i hate it. its not the way i look in it, its just the idea that i have to conceal myself in front of everyone. i hate that so much. i cant explain my true feelings because in their eyes i am still muslim. i want to die. i only took it off yesterday, i am not going school today cuz i got ill after crying all day. what do i do?
also pls dont say to call childline or tell my teachers or something. these english people are quick to assume my parents are abusive and they arent, they are just trying to protect me through their beliefs from back home (bangladesh), i know its bad they wont let me choose but i understand where they are coming from. i just hate it. i dont want to lie to them and take it off outside then put it on inside, i feel very guilty and i dont want to lie to people who love me.
i am scared they will treat me different. i used to be very shy in front of my family i have built up this relationship with them and i dont want to break it. i am really good at school (i only get 8s and 9s, i never got a detention in my whole school experience), this is the only time i have ever disobeyed them in my life.